When my husband and I were first dating, he got distracted by a difficult family situation and forgot to mark Valentine’s Day, which hurt my feelings. We’ve known each other most of our lives, so as his friend, I understood the situation and was tempted to let my hurt feelings pass unremarked. By then, however, I’d also had a boatload of psychotherapy, and I knew that my tendency to discount my own needs and feelings in favor of those of others was a problem. Being able to track and respond to the feelings of others is useful for a psychiatrist, but a different skill set is required to make healthy, long-lasting love relationships. I fretted and pondered (yes, change is hard for everyone…), then gathered my courage and told R that my feelings were hurt. He apologized, and nothing like that has happened again, come hell or high water. Every February 14, as we celebrate our relationship, I remember that early experience and am grateful for the therapists (and the man) who helped me heal. Valentine’s Day is more than a greeting card moment for me as a result, and I dedicated the 90 Ways in 90 Days books to R as the love of my life.
Trauma therapists (me included) often say that in the end it takes a relationship to heal a relational wound. Human beings are driven to connect, to make relationships. Readers near my age may recall an old song by B. J. Thomas called, “Even a Bad Love Is Better Than No Love at All,” which expresses the strength of the human drive to connect. From a psychiatric and relational health point of view, however, “bad love,” defined as traumatic or unhealthy relationships, is not better than no love. It is actively harmful, but the drive to connect is so strong that if the choice actually were between bad love and no love, most of us would choose the bad love at least sometimes, because of how important relationships are in the human psyche and life cycle. When we do that, however, we cannot be happy or healthy since it amounts to settling for way less than what we need. So why do we do it? Often it springs from having had difficult or traumatic relationships early in life and simply not knowing any better. As the saying goes, we can’t do better until we know better.
A woman whose story appears in my 90 Ways in 90 Days books put it this way: “I married the same guy over and over again. He just had different names!” This woman grew up with a father who abused both her and her mother, and her experience of abusive men was generational. She had rarely, if ever, even seen a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. It never occurred to her to look for “good love” (a healthy relationship) with a man since she’d never seen one. She had no way to even know such a thing existed. In psychotherapy with people like this, I often remind them that most people don’t try things they believe to be impossible. For example, I know very well that I can’t fly to the moon, so I don’t waste my time attempting it. You can’t know something you’ve never been taught! In good treatment, we learn to re-think our relationship patterns and experiences, along with everything else. Once you know better, you can do better! Until then, driven by the human need to connect and guided by the only experience she had, this woman believed that her only relational choice was another abusive man. She picked bad love over no love, as in the song, until she learned better. That’s just us being human.
The Week Nine readings and CBT-style practices in 90 Ways in 90 Days: A Personal Workshop for Women with Disordered Eating (Manual, Personal Journal, and Group Workbook), are about relationships. What does a healthy relationship look like? How might I “remodel” a not-so-hot one? Daily reading topics range from the importance of relationships, how relationships can help or hinder recovery, why over-caretaking is a problem, and more.
I collect all manner of quotes, lyrics, poems, and verbal tidbits from all over the place. For years I collected answers to the ‘what does a healthy relationship look like’ question from therapists, experts in the field, and people who attended my groups. The material that follows is excerpted from the daily reading and “try-on” for Day 62 in 90 Ways: A Personal Workshop for Women with Disordered Eating, the Manual.
Relationship problems generally come in two forms—either you don’t get something you need, or you get some things you’d be better off without. Consider your primary relationships and ask yourself: Do we speak respectfully to each other? Do we have fun together? If it’s a sexual relationship, do things go well in the bedroom? How well do we solve problems? Is there room for individual growth and development? Is there a decent balance between giving and receiving? Professional help is crucial when an important relationship is in trouble but a little preventive maintenance in the form of what I call a “relationship remodel” can be helpful.
Let’s start by getting the myth of unconditional love out of the way. Yes, I said “myth.” Let me be clear. Unconditional love is essential for children. Good parents love their children no matter what, and normal parental love is unconditional. A child who does not get it suffers, past, present, and future.
However, in adult relationships, the concept of unconditional love, spiffy as it sounds, is inappropriate. As a healthy woman, I do have conditions, even with the people I love most. They’re called boundaries. For example, it is unacceptable for anyone to hit me, hurt me, yell at me, or call me names. These boundaries are not negotiable. They are my conditions. Without boundaries and with the wrong people, “unconditional love” degenerates into an excuse for abuse. At the bottom line, I require respect and safety in my relationships. To that degree, my love has conditions. Good boundaries are necessary for healthy adult relationships.
TRY IT ON…
Think about your relationships as you read the following list of healthy relationship qualities. Check any problem areas and think about what you might do in the way of a remodel. Plan a conversation with your partner about these things. TIP: Start with yourself. What can you do differently to begin positive change? Ask for the change and be specific. Instead of “I wish my husband were more loving,” say, to him, “I would appreciate it if you told me you loved me every day.” Being direct gives you your best chance of getting what you want in relationships
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
1. A healthy relationship is safe in every way—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
2. In healthy relationships, the relationship is a priority and people spend time together developing connection and communication.
3. A healthy relationship is not 50/50, two halves making a whole. A healthy relationship is 100/100, two whole, healthy people coming together to make a new entity—the relationship, based on the full commitment of both.
4. Healthy relationships exist in a spirit of cooperation and partnership rather than control and domination. The distribution of power is equal.
5. Healthy relationships are not hierarchical. Your worth in the relationship is not relative to size, gender, age, or earning power. In a healthy family, everybody matters.
6. Healthy relationships are interdependent. Both people can and do depend on each other.
7. In healthy relationships, each person respects, appreciates, and tries to understand the other’s contributions, ideas, feelings, needs, desires, and ways of doing things.
8. Healthy relationships are fair and just, without coercion or manipulation.
9. Healthy relationships are nurturing and make space for playfulness and fun.
10. Healthy families have predictable structure and flexibility. Everyday life is usually smooth. The balance keeps people strongly rooted yet able to bend and flow with the inevitable changes in life.
11. Healthy people, relationships, and families know that change and problems happen because that’s life, not because anybody is bad. Healthy families promote positive change and solve problems creatively.
12. Healthy families relate to each other and the outside world openly and confidently, rather than “us against them.”
13. In healthy relationships, people are kind, courteous, considerate, gentle, and direct with each other.
14. Healthy relationships are spiritually open and receptive.
15. Healthy relationships have good boundaries. Each person is respected as an individual, and there is good balance between privacy and togetherness.
16. Healthy relationships are built on trust. People feel safe, listened to, cared about, and supported in being themselves.
17. Healthy people in healthy relationships know that trust can be broken and go gently with each other around vulnerable, hurt places and private matters.
18. People in healthy relationships respect changes others are making and participate willingly or at least don’t sabotage.
19. In healthy relationships, people can be assertive without being punished.
20. People in healthy relationships are free to grow as people, try new things, and make mistakes without being shamed or humiliated.
21. In healthy relationships, people may be well matched but don’t have to think, feel, or act exactly the same. Differences are accepted and respected.
22. Communication in healthy relationships is direct, clear, and honest. Expectations and consequences are clear and predictable.
23. In healthy relationships, actions match words. People who say, “I love you” don’t turn around and hurt you.
24. In healthy relationships people can get mad at each other and still work things out respectfully.
25. In healthy relationships, people develop effective, respectful ways to resolve conflicts and solve problems.
26. People in healthy relationships do their best, but when things go wrong, mistakes happen, or someone gets hurt, they admit it, apologize, and make amends, then change things to keep it from happening again.
27. Behavior in healthy relationships has consequences to match. The magnitude of the response matches the magnitude of the problem. Every little thing doesn’t bring an explosion, but serious issues bring serious, timely responses.
28. People in healthy relationships can be humble about shortcomings and admit to being wrong without feeling less than.
29. People in healthy relationships don’t hold grudges once they have worked through conflicts to healthy compromises.
30. People in healthy relationships say what they mean, mean what they say, and do what they say they’re going to do.
31. Healthy people in healthy relationships know that relationships, like gardens, need tending—planting, weeding, watering, and harvesting.
